Marriage and Kid

Happy Marriages, Happy Kids On a sunny day, a father wants his family to go mountain climbing, but the mother prefers to go to the mall to buy shoes for the kids. Even though it is a very normal conversation in a family, the way parents solve this conflict could make a big deal to the kids. Siegel, author of “7 Essential Lessons Your Kids Learn from Your Marriage,” states that “how you and your husband talk to each other, how you listen, and how you work out your differences shape the beliefs your children are forming about relationships. These beliefs guide their friendships today and will ultimately guide their own marriages” (1). Overall, we realize how important parents’ marriages influence children’s behaviors. Parents’ marriage is a model to many children. Children will learn a lot from their parents’ marriage, which will largely influence on their behaviors. According to Marchand and Hock, authors of "Mothers ' and Fathers ' Depressive Symptoms and Conflict-Resolution Strategies in the Marriage and Children 's Externalizing and Internalizing Behaviors,”state that “conflict-resolution strategies in the marriage also have been associated with externalizing and internalizing behaviors in children and some researchers have suggested that children 's reactions may vary depending on the strategy used by the parent” (4). By avoiding conflict, this would result in a cold war between wife and husband. Additionally, Marchand and Hock mention that this kind of conflict may “…prevent the child from expressing his or her own feelings and result in internalizing behaviors” (4). On the other hand, Marchand and Hock state that “hostile forms of conflict” may “cause more emotional and physiological arousal in children and result in externalizing behaviors” (4). We could see how parents that solve conflicts truly influence children’s behaviors. What is the good way to solve conflicts and set a good example for children? Parents could settle the conflict in an understanding and compassionate way. For example, a normal conflict mentioned at the beginning of this essay was the mountain-climbing father versus shoe-shopping mother. If the husband tries to understand the wife’s idea, maybe he would find out that the children have had holes in their sneakers. Likewise, if the wife knows that the husband would need mountain climbing to release his pressure from work, she would understand his side. “When couples share and respond to underlying emotions, they find a new sense of connection. Best of all, they teach children that people who love each other care about each other 's feelings,” states Siegel (7). Siegel also adds that “kids are equally affected by the positives-the affection you and your husband show each other, the empathy you express, the support you give each other” (2). Seeing this kind of positive solution of conflict, children would have more sense of how to respect other people’s views and how to use an appropriate way to solve their problems with others. Furthermore, what effects would happen to a child who lives in a divorced or high-conflict family? One of my friends used to be an outstanding student, but since his parents divorced, he became rebellious. My friend and I tried to help him, but he told us that his parents’ divorce stops him from concentrating on his school works and health. I think that what happened to my friend is not a unique story. According to the essay, "Parent and Child Similarities in Divorcing and Non-Divorcing Families: A Ten Year Study," Burns and Dunlop explain that “the children of divorce suffer somewhat more difficulties than their peers from intact homes. They have also been reported to be less happy and less satisfied with their lives, and more likely to leave school/ home earlier, to become sexually active, pregnant, or a parent at an early age…” (46). In the essay, "Happy Marriage Makes for Happy Kids,” children are sensitive to the flow of emotions in families. Children in high conflict or divorced families are more likely to have mental and physical problems. The essay states that “…children growing up with parents in a high-conflict marriage are worse off emotionally than children whose parents are in a low-conflict marriage” (“Happy” 3). Children see how their parents hurl insults at each other and how parents lead a cold, separate life. Tense emotional climates of the house give children stress. So, how could a child be happy and healthy in this situation? In Wallin’s essay, "Marital Happiness of Parents and Their Children 's Attitude to Marriage," “Some may even be convinced that having learned much from the marital failure of their parents they can look forward with all the greater certainty to marital happiness for themselves” (23). Wallin also adds that “a substantial proportion of the women with divorced parents confidently anticipate marriage as a source of happiness and satisfaction” (23). In contrast, Patrick Fagan served as Deputy Assistant Secretary for Social Service Policy in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services says, “From the empirical evidence it is indisputable that to a large degree the marital instability of one generation is passed on to the next. Children of divorced parents are more than twice as likely to expect they will get divorced compared with children of intact families”(34). What is more, Fagan adds, “Daughters of divorced parents tend to divorce more than do the sons of divorced parents” (35) and “The risk of divorce in the first five years is 70 to 76 percent higher for the daughters of divorced parents than for those from intact marriages” (36). On the other hand, in the essay, "Long-Term Impact of Parental Divorce on Intimate Relationship Quality in Adulthood and the Mediating Role of Psychosocial Resources,” author Hillevi says that “…parental divorce relates to relationship satisfaction and less optimism, trust, and commitment in offspring 's intimate relationships, especially among women” (1). As I had been shown above, in the end we could still see failure of parents’ marriage play a major role on affecting children in the long term, especially among women. Siegel reminds parents that “your children are watching. They 're carving out a mental image of what it means to be a member of a couple. And if you want them one day to find partners who will treasure them and respect them, who 'll be affectionate and caring, the best way is to give them a model of a marriage that 's all these things” (16). Parents’ marriage affects children in many aspects, no matter how small they are, these hurt and pain feelings will stay in children’s memory for a whole life. However, happy parents’ marriage could be a great model for children to learn. In conclusion, having happy, healthy marriages are the best things you can do for your kids.

Works Cited
Burns, Ailsa and Rosenmary Dunlop. "Parent And Child Similarities In Divorcing And Non-Divorcing Families: A Ten Year Study." Journal Of Divorce & Remarriage 39.1/2 (2003): 45-64. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012.
"Happy Marriage Makes For Happy Kids." Futurist 36.6 (2002): 15. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012.
Hillevi Aro, et al. "Long-Term Impact Of Parental Divorce On Intimate Relationship Quality In Adulthood And The Mediating Role Of Psychosocial Resources." Journal Of Family Psychology 25.4 (2011): 615-619. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012.
Marchand, Jennifer F. and Ellen Hock. "Mothers ' And Fathers ' Depressive Symptoms And Conflict-Resolution Strategies In The Marriage And Children 's Externalizing And Internalizing Behaviors." Journal Of Genetic Psychology 164.2 (2003): 227. Academic Search Complete. Web. 21 Mar. 2012.
Fagan, Patrick. “The Effects Of Divorce On Children.” World Congress of Families II. The

Howard Center. 8 Nov. 1999. Web. 21 Mar. 2012.

Siegel, Judith. "7 Essential Lessons Your Kids Learn From Your Marriage." Good Housekeeping 230.4 (2000): 70. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012.
Wallin, Paul. "Marital Happiness Of Parents And Their Children 's Attitude To Marriage." American Sociological Review 19.1 (1954): 20-23. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012.

Cited: Burns, Ailsa and Rosenmary Dunlop. "Parent And Child Similarities In Divorcing And Non-Divorcing Families: A Ten Year Study." Journal Of Divorce & Remarriage 39.1/2 (2003): 45-64. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012. "Happy Marriage Makes For Happy Kids." Futurist 36.6 (2002): 15. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012. Hillevi Aro, et al. "Long-Term Impact Of Parental Divorce On Intimate Relationship Quality In Adulthood And The Mediating Role Of Psychosocial Resources." Journal Of Family Psychology 25.4 (2011): 615-619. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012. Marchand, Jennifer F. and Ellen Hock. "Mothers ' And Fathers ' Depressive Symptoms And Conflict-Resolution Strategies In The Marriage And Children 's Externalizing And Internalizing Behaviors." Journal Of Genetic Psychology 164.2 (2003): 227. Academic Search Complete. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. Fagan, Patrick. “The Effects Of Divorce On Children.” World Congress of Families II. The Howard Center. 8 Nov. 1999. Web. 21 Mar. 2012. Siegel, Judith. "7 Essential Lessons Your Kids Learn From Your Marriage." Good Housekeeping 230.4 (2000): 70. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012. Wallin, Paul. "Marital Happiness Of Parents And Their Children 's Attitude To Marriage." American Sociological Review 19.1 (1954): 20-23. Academic Search Complete. Web. 15 Mar. 2012.