Money, Money, Money!

Some people believe that the only thing human beings are concerned about nowadays is making more money. We know that unemployment is increasing day by day, and for that reason, many people try to work laboriously. Moreover, they can even neglect their social lives. However, it is my belief that, this is an unavoidable circumstance because money has considerable importance in the economy, society and our day to day lives.
To begin with, if a person has more money, he or she has power! In other words, money will provide you with a strong social status. Think of rich people. When they go to a party or restaurant, the owners of the place will presumably give them concessions, such as special treatment or free gifts, will they not? As a result, if people want to have privilege in society, they should think about having much more money.
Secondly, rich people’s children generally study at private colleges; however, other people’s children study at state schools. This means that individuals who have much more money, also have more opportunities. From this evidence, we can draw a conclusion that money probably provides good fortune for people.
Opponents of this view argue that because of increasing materialism, concepts such as ‘’ mine’’ and ‘’ yours ‘ now start in early childhood; therefore, children are becoming more selfish, and they may have a point in that. However, parents play an essential role in this situation. If they teach their children that being selfish has negative impacts on others’ thought about them, their children will deal with this problem.
To sum up, the power of money, and providing substantial opportunities for social contact, education, and better health are conspicuous reasons why people have started only thinking about earning much more money these days. In my opinion, many individuals are willing to have money’s obvious benefits; thus, we cannot deny that it is a justifiable desire!
Well, your vocabulary is limiting you a bit here, because you need the RIGHT words to express yourself, not ‘academic’ ones. Care ful about word order too, and also using ‘much’ in the positive isn’t a great idea, at least using ‘a lot’ is safer’ but try to come up woth some better words for this. A serious amount of / being rich/ having great wealth.