Cold Intimacies

In Eva Illouz’s “Cold Intimacies: The Making of Emotional Capitalism,” she argues that capitalism has created an emotional culture in the workplace, in the family, and within our relationship to ourselves. She argues that the emotional style of the 20th century was shaped by the Freudian theory. She considers communication skills to be an important factor to the family and the workplace. She also noticed gender roles were beginning to transform with an emphasis on feminism. In addition, she considers our self-help and self-realization movement through media. Cosmo’s article entitled “Find Out if He’s for Real,” I believe, follows the Freudian narrative. Freudian narrative talks about healthy relationships, intimacy and women’s selfhood. It calls for equality, fairness and overcoming hidden emotions. It also credits that through our communication skills, men can be sensitive and compassionate, while women can also be capable of leadership and self-assertion as men. In this article, it gives females advice on dating and spotting the “hopeless losers” before they start wasting their time on them. It gives many examples, such as if men were jealous, a cheapskate, trustworthy and committed, as factors in determining the ideal man. This article is an example of Freudian narrative because it gives women a sense of control, like how men are stereotyped as. Men are seen as masculine and who hold a lot of power, but in the turn of the 20th century, the use of communication broke the bridge of gender stereotypes. Now it isn’t common to see women taking the lead and have more control than ever before. Curve is the nation’s best-selling lesbian magazine. “How long is Too Long to wait?” by Michele Fisher is an article targeting lesbians and their sexual life. It provides examples as to how some women went 15 years without sleeping with someone and how even a married couple of 22 years can go without sex and still be content with the marriage. This article follows the self-realization narrative. In the article, they mention that therapy can help discover the nature of their feelings and emotions, and how sex is not a substitute for therapy and vice versa. Self-realization considers therapy as a narrative for selfhood, identity and self-help. Therefore, sexuality and self-realization work independently to each other. In Cosmo’s article, a symptom of “unhealthy” self is putting the potential partner through tests that will force him to reveal his unacceptable attributes. For example, having one of your close guy friends become your spy as your potential man has a guy’s night out to determine if he is trustworthy is just one way to see if he isn’t worthy. Also, to determine if he is a cheapskate you observe the amount of tip he leaves after dinner. In the second article a symptom of “unhealthy” self is seen through the homosexual individuals. Being seen as queer is being seen as unhealthy and is considered not fully “self-realized.” They are seen as having intimacy problems and may even be looked down upon. The idealized “self-realized” self looks like in the lesbian article is hard to determine since the ideal idea of self-realization comes with many dysfunctions. For instance, a healthy, self-realized individual in this article would have intimacy only in a marriage. Also, it would be between heterosexual individuals and what cultures deem acceptable to society. Right now, homosexuals aren’t too accepting in society. Therefore, homosexuals aren’t self-realized in modern society, but to the homosexual community, they consider themselves to be self-realized. In Cosmo’s article the real Freudian self is seen through the evolvement of feminism. Magazines like Cosmo, Seventeen and Vogue target women and are seen as therapeutic and a source of encouragement. They contain articles and advice that improve independency and nurture that can improve emotional health. The true, self-realized individual in this article would be someone who has no fear, shame or guilt and that intimate relations are equal to both partners. In Cosmo’s article, a successful relationship would be a heterosexual relationship that does not include unacceptable attributes such as jealousy, being frugal, sacred of commitment, and untrustworthy. Ideally, women want someone who can support himself and don’t mind spending a little extra on them. They want someone who isn’t afraid to commit and who admits they can be jealous without being too possessive and psycho. Failure is seen when these factors aren’t met. These guidelines in a man do coincide with the therapeutic narrative. It does require an actualized self. With that, you are more able to see your partner as an equal rather than competing for power in the relationship. In Curve’s article, a successful relationship is balance between intimacy and content. It doesn’t matter if you are getting any, but rather having a sense of security within the relationship. However, if sex was just a way of securing the relationship, failure is soon to result. Failure to such a relationship is due to denial, no attraction, in it for the pleasure and/or no common interests. To achieve a successful relationship, one does require an actualized self. If one does not feel or realize they have met their full potential and basic needs, they definitely cannot hold a relationship. If they are in the relationship only for the pleasure, it will only result in an unhealthy, and self-defeating perception of oneself. Cosmo and Curve magazines appeal to two different demographics. Cosmo has an audience who are predominately white-heterosexual individuals while Curve targets the lesbian community. Both magazines try to have their readers relate to the articles with common emotional languages. They both deliver insightful articles ranging from dating, health, and intimacy. The only difference between them may be only how the author writes. Curve was more carefree. It’s article was straight forward and didn’t sugar coat anything. Cosmo was more sophisticated. It was more of an advice column rather than an article. In addition, emotional culture did apply to both magazines. Victorian emotional culture divided men and women in the workplace and now the therapeutic culture made emotional life center in the workplace and in relationships. Emotional culture has shaped us to where we are today. Men and women are trying to be seen more as equals, and homosexuals are fighting their way to be seen acceptable and normal to society.