Breaking Generational Cycles and Building Solid Foundations and Boundaries

Michael Lee
Liberty University

Abstract
During this Paper you will find that the discovery of self is a powerful tool. You may call itself awareness or self examination but whatever phrase it is needed to break free from the Dysfunctional cycles that have held families in bondage. Foundations are needed to hold the shaky elements of our lives when the storms of life are blowing and tossing us to and fro.
Knowing and understanding your Boundaries helps to foster healthy families and communities and keeps lines of communication fluid and clear. Learning these tools builds and restores the lost art of family and GOD’s intent of intimacy and love for every generation.

Introduction As I begin this paper I ponder to discuss the vivid details of my family and breaking the generational cycle that has perplexed many of close friends and family. The paper will share insight into the plight of a family that was birthed into a cycle of poverty and lack of stable parenting. Youth is the catalyst of this families beginning. We will look into history of the hidden issues that was visible yet covered up and not spoken of openly. Dysfunction is a norm and order becomes a foreign language yes discipline is talked about religiously but kept in the hearts of the listener. People have fallen into the trap or snare of the fowler and bondage has been his goal. Freedom is the goal of this paper a true understanding of life lived in patterns or cycles that has lost many to prison, drugs, abuse, death and lack of healthy family systems which is God’s desire. Begin your paper with an introduction that starts out by discussing the broad topic your paper falls into and then narrowing it to the specific topic you have selected for your paper. Try to have a solid statement (otherwise known as a thesis statement) toward the end of this section stating what the focus of the paper will be. This section can be anywhere from one-half to a full page long and does not need to have its own heading. If you use outside material, you should cite it in text and include the book, article, reputable website, etc. in your References page at the end of your paper. An in-text citation usually looks like this (APA, 2009).

Dysfunction My desire to write and share about my family is healing for my soul. I have talked in circles to some family and even finding myself making a joke on some things to suppress the hurt and pain I have felt on the inside. Growing as a young African American in Arkansas was not the best but not the worst either. A small community shielded you from the dangers of the big city that you heard so much about. We thought that for many years until are eyes were opened to alcoholism and sexual abuse or incest. It is hard to write these words on paper and remember the moments it is like watching a movie. At the very young age of 6 I was awaken to a staggering grandfather climbing into bed with me and another cousin. I was not accustomed to sleeping at my grandmother’s house but my cousin was. I was brought into her world that night. As I laid there next to my cousin and my grandfather reaching for her grabbed me instead not knowing it was me at least that is what I have thought all these years. He reached down into my pants feeling and I jumped up out of the bed and ran into the bathroom scared. I locked the door I knew that was not right. I am always thinking about my cousin because no noise was made in the house and I was in that bathroom for a couple of hours. I could not wait until my mother picked me up after the partying they had that night. I did not share anything with anyone not even my cousin but I know she knew and she knew I knew from that day forward what was going on to an extent.

Dysfunction one in which adult caregivers is unable to consistently fulfill their family responsibilities. Using the term "dysfunction" when describing a family whose behavior patterns and relationships are unhealthy isn 't something that 's always been done; however, family dysfunction is certainly nothing new. The dysfunctional family pattern is an intergenerational phenomenon that has apparently always existed.

But what is a dysfunctional family, exactly? Is dysfunction something that exists only in families where one or more members have a substance abuse problem? In order for a family to be dysfunctional, does abuse need to be present? What does the definition of dysfunction really mean when it 's applied to a family or a relationship?

A functional, healthy family isn 't a "perfect" family; it does experience episodes of dysfunctional behavior. Healthy families ' members make mistakes and have arguments. The relationships and behavior patterns in a functional family are not without challenges.

However, a healthy family is able to keep its balance when difficult situations arise between members, or when bad things happen, and allows its members to get their needs met appropriately.

A dysfunctional family is continually out of balance, and is frequently teetering on the edge of crisis (or in continual crisis). The dysfunctional family is full of unresolved conflicts and negative emotions such as toxic shame and fear, and typically, some form of codependency. Issues of abandonment and enmeshment are typically present. Parentification of children is very common, as is infantilization.

Many dysfunctional families involve substance abuse on the part of one or more members; however, not all family dysfunction involves alcoholism or drug addiction. Families in which one or more members have a personality disorder or mental illness can also be highly dysfunctional. Family dysfunction arises when, for any number of reasons, parents are not able to meet their own needs and their children’s ' needs in a healthy manner.
After defining Dysfunction it is easy to see that my family is dysfunctional. I had to begin to research my family roots after my coming of age and call to follow God. I did not realize how that one night affected me all the way into adulthood and into my marriage. From that night forward me and my cousin had a close bond we were the same age and had school classes all the way through the 8th grade. I felt her pain and silently was ravaged on the inside. She felt that this was love something she did not receive from her on biological father who abandoned them in Chicago which forced them to move back to Arkansas. She was my best friend but I learned that hurting people hurt people. She hurt me from 3rd grade until the beginning of the 6th. She abused me and thought she was pleasing me like she was doing my grandfather this is what you do to those you love. She was very protective of me. I could be into with someone and if she knew she would come in swinging and not asking questions. This did not help it made me shy and insecure. I became consumed with baseball and that broke the cycle from her because I was gone a lot. Yet my flesh had been exposed to something now it desired to be pleased. I want to stop here for a moment and share I know that this is a research paper and I would like to state that this is the research of my healing and the journey to break Generational Cycles and Build Solid Foundations and Boundaries. Ok back to the Dysfunction I fell for many years into sin of Promiscuity and did not have any remorse. But when I was married I did not think that any of that had an effect on me. My marriage was in shambles I thought being married would help the desire to have sex and the craving for more boy did we learn different. It only enhanced it. The desire I mean! Those lonely moments at the tender age of 7 to 12 hurt me with truly learning to be intimate with my wife and soon to be mother of my children. After giving my life to Christ a lot of what we talked about was highlighted. My cousin’s life begins to spiral out of control and I thought my life was going in the right direction. My life got worse me and the wife fought continuously and were both fighting for control. I have found that we both were damaged goods and did not know how to get free.

When I realized that I could not do this on my own I cried to God for help. I was losing myself and did not know that God was calling me and had been keeping all the way through. I begin to look within myself and ask the hard questions am I alright what really happen to me and where has that held me. Through all of this my father was present but was not there. As some older people use to say he is there but not available. I was void of nurturing and affection from my mother and father. She was looking for my father to fill a void that her father never provided for her and therefore we were affected with that limitation of extended love. Yes we knew mother loved us but the personal touch was absent. As I begin to research my family I came to find that it did not start with me and my cousin my grandfather had tried or maybe even succeeded with my oldest aunt. For my grandfather and grandmother left my mother and four siblings with a great aunt and uncle. He would come down from Milwaukee and visit and come in drunk and crawl into my aunt’s bed and my mother would hear her saying stop daddy and this made my furious that they knew he was walking in that spirit and no one addressed it. After further research I found that my grandfather was not raised by his father but by this great aunt and uncle that raised his kids. My grandmother was young at the tender age of 14 when she had him and was raised more as siblings than mother and son. She was a hard worker but a drunkard she was single and alone. This led to many untold stories but enough for me to say it has to stop here. I could not take it anymore. The day that my daughter was brought into the world changed my life as my cousin earlier saw herself as my protector I realized this was my role for my daughter. By any means necessary watch over her and build her a safe atmosphere. She was the deciding factor for me to look within myself and see the hurt and pain and the unresolved issue and take them to the altar. I could not let her down and over time God became the source. Today I look at who am I and ask the question Who am I and the answer is a son of God! Choosing to break the generational cycle is a heart and soul decision and truth walk to see where you are and to feel the hurt of those before you and pray for those who will come after you. It stops here make it your mantra, theme or truth shout but be sincere and honest with yourself others need you to take the stand and become strength for them to stand.
FACING REALITY
To be healed of a dysfunctional background, the adult-child must face the following realities:
1. I need healing. The effects of a dysfunctional family should not be denied. We will not grow out of them. Time will not heal them. These effects will not disappear, although they may be expressed in new and subtle ways.
2. I cannot heal myself. Even individual prayers will not bring total healing, if the Lord gives us the opportunity to receive healing from others. We need other members of Christ 's body (1 Cor 12:21).
3. Jesus will certainly heal me, if I let Him have His way. Jesus, and only Jesus, can do the impossible and heal us of even the most extreme abuse.
DYSFUNCTION BY ABSENCE AND/OR ABUSE
In healing dysfunctional families, it is helpful to distinguish between dysfunction because of absence or because of abuse. (In some cases these two causes of a dysfunctional family overlap.)
The family may be a victim of circumstances, and the absence of the parent may be beyond his control. When a person has not been fully parented because of absence due to death, work, or divorce, there is not always the need to forgive the parent. This is significant because forgiveness is usually the most important aspect of healing anything, including dysfunctional families (see Sir 28:3).
FORGIVENESS AND MERCY
In dysfunction by abuse, it is absolutely necessary for the child to forgive the abusive parents for everything — even incest, rape, alcoholism, physical beatings, emotional manipulation, insulting language, and total neglect. It is humanly impossible to forgive the parents, but the Lord will do the impossible. And this forgiveness will not be merely the control of hostility but authentic forgiveness. By God 's miraculous grace, the abused child will be able to embrace, love, and honor dysfunctional parents (see Lk 15:20). The abused child will be able to forgive with affection and mercy.
Some therapists advise victims of abuse to vent their anger to their abusive parents.
Although this is putting the blame for the dysfunctional family where it partly belongs, it doesn 't bring healing. Christians can do something much better. By faith, they can cast their cares on the Lord (1 Pt 5:7). This frees them to have mercy on the parents who have hurt them. Mercy is the essential quality of forgiveness. Mercy is giving someone who has offended us better than they deserve. Did the prodigal son deserve the gifts of the ring, shoes, and the robe? Why should the fatted calf have been killed for him? (Lk
15:23) Mercy is the key to forgiveness, and forgiveness is the key to healing dysfunctional families.
REACH OUT TO THE DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENT
In dysfunction due to absence or abuse, the adult-child should try to improve the relationship with his parents by visiting, writing, or calling. Often this is omitted because contact with the parents may be threatening and any improvement in the relationship may be minimal. But even a brief conversation, a birthday card, or little gift can be the occasion for great healing. If the dysfunctional parent is dead, the child should ask Jesus to heal the relationship with the parent.
MORE MOTHERS AND FATHERS
After seeking to improve the relationship with his parents, the adult-child must supplement the parenting of his physical parents. The Lord in His love will send father- figures and motherly people into the adult-child 's life (see Sir 4:10). He must obey the
Lord in making the best of these relationships. The Lord will work through them in doing an amazing work of healing.
HOPE AND HEALING IN CHRIST
By human power, it is impossible to heal adult-children from dysfunctional families. But, by Jesus ' power, victims of dysfunctional families can be healed completely and even quickly. It will not take years but days for the Lord to do the impossible. He will even turn dysfunctional backgrounds to the good for those who love Him (Rm 8:28).
Consequently, the millions of dysfunctional families in our society provide an evangelistic opportunity to draw millions to Jesus. His is the only name by which dysfunctional families can be saved and healed (see Acts 4:12). He is the only Hope for dysfunctional families and their members, but the only Hope they need.

What is a boundary?
Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
* Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
* Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
* Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually abused.
* Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
* Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.
* Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings that do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.
* Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act.
* Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

How to establish healthy boundaries
In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to:
First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.
Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.
Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated.
3 http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/#ixzz1oIyzFHIp
I realized that I had come to a place in my life after surrendering to Christ that I was still had angry and bitter within at my grandfather he had given his life to Christ and I could not let it go you are a liar is all I could see. I did not rejoice when he gave his life to Christ. I was in pain and fighting confusion at the same time I was torn. I saw how my mother ministered to my grandfather after she knew what he had done to the family this hurt and perplexed me more. But what she had reserved to do was love in spite of.

CONCLUSION

I stand here today still learning and saying by the grace of God there go I. I am not judging my grandfather today I thanking God for my life and the experience that I have had to bring me to this place today. I choose to say the Generational Cycles STOPS HERE AND GRACE AND TRUTH BEGINS!

References American Psychological Association. (2009). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association (6th ed.). Washington, D.C.: Author. * www.adultchildrenofdysfunctionalfamilies.com/dysfunctional.html * 2 www.presentationministries.com/brochures/HealAdChild.asp 3 http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/#ixzz1oIyzFHIp
Boundaries with Kids
By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend

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[ 1 ]. * www.adultchildrenofdysfunctionalfamilies.com/dysfunctional.html
[ 2 ]. * www.presentationministries.com/brochures/HealAdChild.asp
[ 3 ]. http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/#ixzz1oIyzFHIp

References: American Psychological Association. (2009). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association (6th ed.). Washington, D.C.: Author.