Being Assertive

Being Assertive

Being assertiveness is having a good set of communication skills which means “taking into consideration both your own rights, wishes, wants, needs and desires, as well as those of the other person. Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wishes and feelings, in order that both parties act appropriately.” Skills you need to know (2011- 2013) This statement is common in all documentation relating to the subject and forms the basis of this assignment on being assertive.

Has anyone ever suggested to you that you need to be more assertive? Or don’t let people walk all over you. For some people that is easier said than done. Children are all born assertive, during their early childhood their parents, family and the wider community have an influence on how these assertive skills will be developed or stifled. So by the time the child has reached adulthood any natural ability may have been eroded leaving the person feeling and thinking inferior to others. The Centre for Clinical Intervention CCI (2008) suggests; “assertiveness is a learned behaviour and thinking style. We are all born assertive. Think of a baby. Babies cry when they want something, they express emotion freely.” So why do some people find it hard to express themselves as an adult?

One theory is that as a child grows some may be taught “that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn't "make waves", that if someone says or does something that we don't like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future.” Revelle College (2013) This suggests that the natural ability to be assertive and stand up for oneself is misguidedly taken from in the most impressionable years of a person’s life, only for them to have to rethink their communication skills as an adult. By this time if the adult is experiencing difficulty in expressing assertiveness other factors could be displayed such as , low self esteem, stress, anxiety, resentful and poor relationships to name a few. Mind Tools (1996- 2013) It could be difficult for the person to challenge the way they think, thinking that this is who I am, instilling a fixed mindset. So the thought of a confrontation produces too much stress or anxiety leading to a passive stance on most situation, but with training the way a person thinks about themselves and others can improve. Carol Dweck (2006- 2010) states “How you interpret challenges, setbacks, and criticism is your choice. You can interpret them in a fixed mindset as signs that your fixed talents or abilities are lacking. Or you can interpret them in a growth mindset as signs that you need to ramp up your strategies and effort, stretch yourself, and expand your abilities.” Although this statement is related to teaching and learning the essence of it holds true in this situation and is something which needs to be developed to improve a person’s well being and communication skills in all walks of life.

People who have good assertiveness skills are more likely to be successful, have strong positive relationships, be well respected and have a healthy outlook on life. As stated earlier those people who find it hard to say no will probably suffer from depression, low self esteem, resentment, anger issues and poor relationships. Judging from the above statements it would suggest that assertiveness skills should be nurtured during childhood encouraging the belief that one’s own needs should be met whilst considering the needs of others. Does this mean that parenting skills need to be developed to facilitate this? If a loving parent had the foresight to see how their child might mature into an adult, surely the parent would want their child to be a successful individual with good communication skills.

Research done in the 1960’s by Diana Baumrind established four main types of parenting, these being authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting and uninvolved parenting. About.com (2013) Of the four parenting styles only the authoritative parenting style connects with the child’s assertiveness stating that “these parents monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative" About.com (2013)

While it would seem that the authoritarian style to parenting is the best approach to a child’s development, growing into a successful, confident assertive adult, there is no guarantee this would be the case. Other factors may have an impact on a child’s development; how they interact with other children, teachers at school, parent’s life challenges and people in the wider community. But to give the child the best possible chance of success, it is recommended that measures must be in place to support parents and guide them into the authoritative parenting style. The Henry project is one such program which aims to help parents in the upbringing of their children. Although aimed at tackling obesity in children it also encourages the authoritative parenting style. The Henry project (2008) suggests “The ideal style of parenting is one in which the parent is sensitive and responsive to the child's needs, emotions and other cues, and is also clearly in charge with the confidence to establish and maintain appropriate limits or boundaries for behaviour. The authoritative style is the most effective approach to parenting.” This is a national incentive so perhaps in future generations, adults may possess less inhabiting tendencies, demonstrating more confidence, a healthier attitude to life and being assertive.